Boredom.

My laptop has died again, so I can't post photos. I also don't have much time to write on my computer at work because now that it's my last week I've been overloaded with work.
I'm bored with Sean, sadly. I'm not sure what those feelings I had were, exactly. They weren't feelings of love. Maybe I was eager to try out a relationship-esque thing, since I hadn't really been in a real, mature relationship before. But things got boring very quickly for me. It just felt too much like we were married. We held hands while grocery shopping together. Friday night I made banana bread for Sean, his cousin, and his cousin's friend while they all watched the World Cup and drank beer. We watched a movie together. I slept over. He made me breakfast Saturday morning. Then we wet to Powerscourt together on Saturday.
It's all too much too fast. It's boring. I'm eighteen, I should be crazier. I thought it would be this crazy affair type of thing...but it really wasn't. I thought the sex was great the first time around but I suppose it could have been because I was drunk. Or maybe because we only did it once. I don't know. The second time we slept together it was fine, but boring. I hate boring. I would rather be heartbroken and depressed than bored.
I signed up for the Bake Sale so tonight I'll be at Sean's again to use his oven. Not in the mood for dull sex. He's too nice to me. I'm surprised I was attracted to him in the first place, since I never like the token nice guys.
On another note, Zach totally thought I was flirting with him and when we hung out yesterday he suggested that we make out. Just like that. I was blabbing about something and he just said, "Wanna make out?" I said no. Without hesitation. I would say no to anyone who asked me that. Who says that? So unromantic. Actually, I'm just not attracted to Zach in that way at all...He tried to redeem himself by saying that he just wanted to shut me up and that he was bored. Because that's what teenagers do when they're bored: make out. I didn't think I had ever done that, but upon giving it a little thought I realized I totally had. I've done those things out of lonliness, and lonliness and boredom kindof go hand in hand, don't they? Maybe not. I ahven't been quite sure about ltos of things lately.
I'm a bit of a rollercoaster and I suppose I'm hitting one of my lows at the moment. I miss home. I miss my family a ridiculous amount. I miss my friends, too, of course...but my paretns and my grandparetns the most.

Handholding and the Best Date Ever.

Last night it occurred to me that I had never really been on a real date. I've done the whole "dinner and a movie" thing, but I've never been truly and officially wined & dined. It's rare to go on a real date nowadays, it seems. Especially in college. Everyone is so close that it seems unnecessary to take that extra step and actually plan something, go somewhere nice, etc. Last night was fantastic.

Sean made reservations at a restaurant that is supposed to be one of the secret gems on the north side of the Liffey (which is generally said to be considerably sketchier than the south side.) One of my coworkers, Alan, told me that on the "north side women have fake jewelry and real orgasms, and on the south side they have real jewelry and fake orgasms." Alan is hilarious - one of my favorite people at work.

So Sean and I walked from St. Stephen's Green to the restaurant (101 Talbot, above) , holding hands like a real couple. I love holding hands. I know that everyone holds hands, but I feel like it is somehow still underrated. I find holding hands to be one of the most intimate things you can do. (Interesting article about hand holding can be found here.) The restaurant is absolutely wonderful. It is quiet with a tasteful interior and the food is incredibly delicious. It's pretty fancy, actually - I was very impressed. I'm not hard to please in terms of food, and I would've been happy with anything, but it was so nice of Sean to go out of the way to take me somewhere really great. It took us nearly 20 minutes to order because we kept getting distracted and talking. Sean and I have all these random little things in common that make it so easy to get along. We both like the same food (we both love olives), hate scary movies, have similar taste in music, etc. I never feel like I have to pretend to like or dislike anything around him, it's such a breath of fresh air! I know it's wrong to pretend to like things and not be yourself around a guy, but I've been doing it for so long and I am finally realizing how stupid it is.

It's scary to think that I have to leave here in 12 days. I'm not in love with Sean, but I suppose it could happen. When I'm with him I always want to be touching him somehow. Be it placing my hand on the back of his neck, kissing him, holding hands, etc., I just crave his touch, and I don't feel clingy or needy about it, either! It's hard to say what will happen when I leave. Things will probably just go on as usual. I'll go to Russia, maybe finally have a fling with one of the boys there who has been in love with me for ages. I'll go back to the US, be with my friends, go to parties. But I know I'll be different. Even if this thing (whatever it is) with Sean can't last, it has made me realize what relationships should be like. My standards are higher, my confidence is higher, I'm happy. I know I deserve to be treated well. I think I'll be attracted to the right kind of guy now, not the classic jerk that I usually go for. I am beyond thankful for this experience. It's weird, but I'm actually not really thinking about what will happen when it's over. I can talk about it, but I'm not really thinking about it; I'm leaving it on the surface. I suppose that's for the best, because I normally over-think my way into anxiety or heartbreak, but now I'm just letting things be. Sean says it's like we're on our honeymoon. I couldn't have put it more perfectly!